Just saw someone buying TWO six packs of O'Doul's. WHY ??
My drug dealer is spending the weekend in my studio apartment. I feel like I've crossed a line that should never be crossed.
But Alex is drunk in Philly and I told him to come see me so that's "first-love,-drunk,-high,-and-it's-a-snow-day-hook-up-with-an-ex" points. 69
He's drinking 50/50 vodka/water out of a camelback. Disaster would be a compliment at this point.
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I heard him crying and I heard him listening to porn... I'm hoping to God they weren't at the same time.
Mark just took 50mg Viagra. Tonight should be interesting for the neighbors.
As I'm trying to leave her house she shushes me and puts my hand on her boob, then goes back to sleep. In like 30seconds. What the fuck.
My black heart of coal cannot compete with your boiling crock pot of teddy bears, rainbows, 90s music, and the good candy you get from rich people on Halloween.
All of my exes are either overweight and neckbearded or dead. Someone out there is looking out for me.
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There are two guys's cum on my sheets. Be a man and be the third.
I apologize for tapping your ass. It was a friendly tap. Like Casper. Ya know
He was on top and as he finished he yelled "I love gold" , so yeah I'm seeing him later tonight
so hungover i had to get off the train to puke, rallied and went to work. not sure if that's an adulting win or fail
It smells like grilled cheese and sexual frustration
Live it up bro, they're always so surprised to find out you use magnums, being such a tiny man and all. It's a good thing.
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