we're out of white wine, toilet paper and windex... too hard to explain via text
How am I suppose to look him in the face when I know a commercial lasts longer than he does?
I don't know if the fire truck was perfect timing or if she actually burned something down.
hey as creepy as this sounds i still have your eyelashes on my desk
I woke up with a solved rubics cube in my purse
Don't blame the cocaine for your eating disorder.
Why do i even want him? It's like his dick is a trophy and I need to put it on my wall of shame.
Carson when you get home I want you to go downstairs and go into each bedroom and pick up the underwear and either throw it out or give it back to the people who own them. Look all over the room. Thank, Love Mom
Not sure. He doesn't know where New York is on a map but he gives an incredible spanking.
Who cares about New York?
I may have been mad at the Supreme Court/patriarchy and tried to hate fuck myself.
not sure when or how we ended up at this wedding party but you need to be here they are handing out screwdrivers and Yamakas to everyone and it's a got damn open bar you need to be here now
Getting so old my power naps are turning into, "can I reasonably just go to bed at this time?"
Steven and I talked about running for office again today. It's fucked that my 3 dream jobs are marijuana bakery owner, bar owner, and president.
You went into the bathroom, got in the tub with a pillow, yelled "this isn't as comfortable as it looks in the movies" then passed out
he's single and there are thong briefs.
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