Sorry I couldn't get my dick out
Ok cool. Ill pick up liquor because, well let's be honest, we don't need an excuse anymore.
So currently I have a block of cheese duct taped to my air conditioner in lieu of a fridge.
I woke up with my keys safelty pinned to my thong. It's gonna be a great day.
I feel like I have African malaria. I just remembered singing Teenage Dream in full to that biker couple at the bar.
My booty call just put me down for a reference for her job at the hospital. What am I supposed to say? She gives great bj's?
So you met him?
More like I walked in on him, drunk, naked, and doing "bathtub yoga". Please stop bringing your dates home.
My family will be here in an hour and I'm deciding between doing my makeup or saying fuck it and wearing what's left of last night's...
Halloween night fail: My boob sweat from keeping my phone in my bra caused the front screen to stop working from water damage.
She was blowing me when her roommate came in and goes "you want me to tap in?"
You realize once your inheritance is finalized this shit will stop happening right?
Strip clubs just aren't as fun when a man tries to drunkenly grind on you.
mike is out of commission and cannot make breakfast. he's sitting with two frozen waffles on his face & smiling like an idiot.
Pro: She likes to masturbate to 50 shades of grey. Con: She reads 50 Shades of grey non-ironically.
Sneaking the vodka in was the easy part.. listening to medley of puking in the porta pottys was not
I don't want his dick, I want his flame thrower!!
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