the family i'm sitting with looks like the Addams family. Except for the daughter...she looks like Shrek
You tried to sled down the middle of the street. In. Your. Coat. Of course you are bruised.
On my way to the DMV to get arrested
he was wearing ninja turtle pajamas and he STILL got laid. who the fuck is this guy?!
the welcome home hickey he left on my boob is really gunna put a damper on the rest of my thanksgiving hook up plans with the rest of my ex's
You pulled out a fucking recorder and started playing along with all the songs on your playlist and refused to hit the j
I think he's hit rock bottom. You know it's a low point in life when you cry because you weren't invited to sit in a box car and watch porn with two other straight dudes.
Check your mailbox. I left a "sorry I didn't have time to suck your dick today" consolation gift.
Moral of the story: I had sex to Back to the Future last night.
Walked in on my roommate covering his dick in blue frosting. Am staying with my folks for the Forth. See you Monday if the brain bleach works.
I got the job! The hiring manager is the sister of a guy I slept with so its like I'm a real adult now
She gave me a boner for the first time in 9 years.
Tell him you want to lick his face. Didn't work for me but might turn out better for you idk
When a guy asks for your ig but you already know his blood type, social security number, & mother's maiden name.
How do you teach a grown ass men how to fuck? Why is good sex so hard to find these days?
Randomize
