The smiley face on that pregnancy test is so damn taunting. It's like it's laughing at me for my poor choices.
Guy passed out in the lobby with a keychain sharpie hanging from his belt loop. 1 guest came in and wrote on him, then others saw and got in line. I'm not waking him up.
He just made me apologize because his morning wood is NOT a laughing matter.
I think the best part was when you jumped over me naked.
We have been pregaming the shutdown of the government since Tuesday. Send help, and some more liquor.
Just saw a 300lb woman fall down. Shes screaming like a beached manatee. Her 120lb boyfriend is trying to push her up. It's like watching an infant try to bench
My sugar daddy is a bigger asshole than i am. What's wrong here?
But in today's society it's frowned upon not to wear pants in public.
My ladyscape is the envy of many and the shangrila of few. I will display it proudly.
It's like the first time your mom catches you masturbating. We both know what she saw. We're just not talking about it...
Then again I went over his house after not hanging out since kindergarten and tried to fuck him so maybe I'm partially to blame here
He took some pill and now he's on all fours demanding we give him chips from the dog bowl. Come get him.
Just calling to thank you for not dying. I love you.
She abandoned me on the doorstep of her hostel. Turns out you can't bring one night stands into those places. Slept in a train station next to a tramp. He gave me chips. And didn't steal my shit while I slept. So I'm counting this one as a win
Blow Jobs and the Patriots Playing I think I’m going to marry her
You know what sucks about being drunk at 4 pm? Not a god damn thing.
Randomize
