Decided to write a book called "girls don't poop and other myths I wish I still believed in"
I woke up and she had washed, dried, folded my clothes, cooked me breakfast, and had started cleaning my room
haha, you sure you didnt fuck your mom?
I just discovered how perfect a shot glass is for putting your chicken nugget dipping sauces into. Like I'll probably do this when I'm a mother feeding my children.
and hes going back to rehab like me, so we have common interests
I don't not like him. It's just wierd talking to him because we both know I fucked his wife.
He recognized me by my ass from about 15 yards away. I must have a REALLY nice ass.
He asked us to wake him up with a strobe light. We had it going in front of his face full power for half and hour and he didn't even blink.
so i might have figured out why that girl isn't talking to me...I'm 90% confident I didn't give her a pillow when she stayed over >.>
because. if I can't sit outside naked and eat my watermelon every morning then I really don't see the point in moving in with you.
I'm not the one who gave a guy that lives next door to my grandmother a blowjob in a pub bathroom in Ireland, you have no room to judge.
I knew it was going to be a good night when my mom said "Have fun, be safe...wait, do you need any weed for tonight?"
He told me to prepare for his "Jurassic cock" and I had to leave the room from laughing.
I'm sun burnt so instead of getting drunk and trying to sleep with you, how about we get naked and you scratch my body and rub lotion on me while I rub one out?
My wife managed to convince me to not drink everclear by threatening to ban me from her vagina
ugh my stomach is so upset-- didn't get a chance to take a violent enough hangover shit at work
Randomize
