You asked the dj to play 'who let the dogs out" because it was your birthday. You left the bar and then re-entered to the song
just heard someone say they saw a guy puke while riding a bike across campus without stopping
the realtor just asked me if i've ever made meth on this property.... i need to do something about my hair
Yeah he gave the rest of the brownies to the bouncer that took his fake
I had her number in my wallet, I was sitting on a winning ticket for the blowjob lottery and didn't know
i refuse to be around anyone not wearing a sombrero...its cinco de mayo
How can someone be so bad at fingering? It's such a simple concept
Made eye contact with a friendly neighborhood dog walker while violently puking out the window. How's your Wednesday going?
Nothing like having your house arrest ankle bracelet vibrate and take a moisture sample at the exact moment you're about to blow it in some chick...buzzkill
He licked my mouth. I felt like I was making out with my dog.
Uh do you have my pants because I have yours
Is it against health code to come into work half drunk and commando?
Day one of being single and I've came three times. I can get used to this.
I'm not drinking for the rest of the week. I need discipline, celery, dick, and a bible.
Drank vodka clubs for 6 hours last night. Holy shit just realized that.
Randomize
