My 3rd grade teacher, who was also my fav, thought i was in prison. That seriously upsets me.
There's nothing more uncomfortable than drifting into sexual fantasies on a roadtrip and realizing you have a boner with three other dudes in the car.
You bet me 100 dollars that the Raiders would win the super bowl this year. I have it on tape.
Sign #1 that I'm not ready to be a mother: I'm shopping for "maternity fishnets".
Who would we be if we didn't go out to drink during finals week? NOBODY
So I found "Fat chicks in saran wrap" in my search history.
That's all you talk about when you are wasted.
Heard puking from next door. Looks like the third floor won't be any different than the second.
You may see me wearing your shirt to class. It's because I still have the spins and I'm anticipating throwing up on it. Asshole.
He puked in the voicemail. That's a true friend right there.
In case you're wondering where my head is at right now, it's wishing that I was getting laid and not having a debate about cheese.
I'm going to write a horror movie. It's going to be called "Fat People on a Squeaky Bed" and it's going to feature me laying in bed last night listening to my overweight roommate and her fat boyfriend tossing and turning all night
I've started budgeting for next year. It looks like I'll be crying tears of dollar bills and handing them over to pay back my unholy college debt.
On the upside, no one went to the hospital! Lex's friend was definitely on fire at one point last night though because he tried to juggle tiki torches. He was shirtless this morning and smelled like a BBQ.
So I got offered a job this morning based on being a "good role model for girls" and I am drunk at 330 in the afternoon in "celebration." sometimes, life is insane. But not so bad.
I got up and left his place at 3am because I remembered I had a burrito in my car.
Randomize
