He still wants to giggity, regardless of his girlfriend. So...I guess I'm happy again.
We could sell used underwear with pictures of us wearing them.
um i just went through the in-n-out drive thru and meant to ask for my cheeseburger animal style. turns out what i actually said was, can i get that cheeseburger doggy style? been a rough weekend.
My valentine's day: watching The Notebook, and porn, eating chocolate, and ice cream. All while jacking off.
Wow... you've managed to cover all of the sad girl stereotypes that exist.
She guessed my name 9 times, and 5 of those times she guessed Mike. Figured that'd be an easy target for the night.
Theres also beggin' strips and a dog bone in the corner...nooo signs of there being a dog though.
I'm deleting all the photos of dicks off my phone. This relationship could be serious
I feel that it is my duty to the human race to invent a colon squeegy
"I'm gonna wax that ass" was the successful pick up line used on me last night. Clearly I had a few too many cause it worked..
I'm 99% sure I just puked glitter. Wine drunk Mondays shouldn't be a thing.
Betting for two different teams with two different guys is the best. Time to get $100 by one guy and laid by the other!
If you need me I'll be getting drunk in a chewbacca onsie like a real adult.
How was your weekend?
My girlfriend decided the best way to get my mind off of my dog dying was to break up with me via text
I am the image of restraint, it's why im just hungover and not in the hospital
I thought I was drunk because I kept grabbing his arm instead of his dick
But then I realized it wasn’t his arm and that I was very lucky
Randomize
