wrigley field is MILF paradise
is it a bad sign that i now think of my run-ins with cops as "skill building seminars"?
um, yeah. i think it is.
Now I have to picture Dave Letterman having sex with all these women. Im the real victim.
you're single. I'm single. let's spend vday with the 3 most important men in our lives: ben, jerry, and josé
She just sent me videos of her blowing my little bro and my best friend... worst. ex. ever.
Saw a guy pass out and hit his head on a urinal. Laughing too hard to help him up
No, this is non-alcoholic oatmeal.
Is putting "Tonight I'm Fucking You" on my date playlist too forward?
Are you responsible for the syringes and miniature cactus garden that has magically taken over my fridge?
Screw disneyland. This military base is the happiest place on earth. Even unnatractive dudes are completely fuckable in those uniforms, im never leaving
We are finally out of the honeymoon stage of the relationship because it turns out that you can't come back from peeing on me in your sleep.
Like an undercooked grilled cheese that got cold again. But hairy.
And there goes my desire for sandwiches. Forever.
You walked up to a random girl on the street and asked her for a bite of her pizza...
Shotgunning beers in the shower. Mom would be proud.
Just stole my moms weed, left a note saying sorry.. Hope she isn't mad.
Randomize
