Just saw actual Chinese people doing a Chinese firedrill. Good day.
She tied me up with her honor cords...
Accidentally just signed something at work 'lotus flower' I need to keep my stripper life separate from real life.
Nothing on google about my condom issue. However, if you get a chance google: condom with teeth.
Have thirty minutes until my shift starts. My heart says liquor store but my future says no
this kid is using one arm to help his buddy with a keg stand, and the other arm to hold up the chick he's making out with.
You called him your tasty little crouton. Which actually wasn't the weirdest part.
My feelings are currently in a sea of vodka and "I don't give a shit"
Aren't they always?
She had cheddar bay biscuits in her purse. Biscuits, Id and cash. I'm gonna marry her.
I just found your ripped underwear on my chandelier. Care to explain?
I'm getting "congrats on your engagement" shots. I need to get engaged more often!
But how MUCH of an emergency? Like, should I go to the ER now, or can it wait until after the bar crawl?
Note to self: Calvin Klein's are not safe to shit in.
All I know is I woke up cuddling a jar of peanut butter....
just answer this one ? for me. why is there human shit in my shower right now?
Randomize
