I figured girls wouldn't be down to sleep w/ a guy who plugged a pregnant chick
I just put lube in Matt's bellybutton. He looks unhappy.
yeah my parents were only ten feet away and we somehow managed to do it in five different positions without them noticing
Either this is the best sandwich I've ever had, or my stomach is just relieved to have something in it that's not Red Bull or semen.
rolled over to window for cup of snow instead of leaving bed for water. that's how hungover
Being at this stripclub only reinforces how single I am. And I was *just* becoming okay with that.
Just had a 10 minute long conversation with my cat about how if I died, and he needed to eat me to live, I'd totally be ok with it. Definitely still drunk.
Sometimes I feel like I should become a beautician purely for my ability to shave pretty shapes into my pubic hair.
Option 1: fuck me and bedtime. Option 2: come fuck me and then hangout with everyone. Option 3: don't fuck me in which case fuck you.
Then, right before he came he said "I want to buy you so many things!" What the fuck?!
We are so drunk half our team had to bowl with a chaperone. We won every game. We drink
He came over and watched the USA game with me, fucked me so good my toe cramped, then made my bed this morning before he left. Thank God for Army rangers
SO EXCITED ABOUT STRING CHEESE RIGHT NOW
I had forgotten what new underwear feels like. It's as if angels descended from heaven for the sole purpose of supporting my junk.
What's rude is him not accepting my blowjob offer. What kind of guy denies that.
Randomize
