she's leaving w me bro, I've been buying her mad shots. She's seen my apt. So locked down.
she told me that she was curious about how cum tasted. of course i left you.
I bought an american flag today and by god im gonna fuck someone on it
I'm not sure whom I'm texting but I put you in my phone as last nights fuck budy, and I'm just curious if I left my clutch with you?
You're lucky I'm tired or I'd take a pic of me mounting a reindeer yard decoration
So I just went to 3 different stores because there is no way I can walk out of one store with this many reeses and still have my pride.
How is there no taco emoji?! That's some bullshit.
Just busted the chick who slept with my boyfriend with alcohol. God I love being an RA.
He took me out, we slept together, and he sent me home this morning with fresh cantaloupe. #husbandstatus
Nothing says "happy birthday" like a negative pregnancy test
We just had can't-look-you-in-the-eye sex and it was still surprisingly good
2015 is the year I FINALLY ALMOST had enough dick to satisfy me.
He got punched in the face last night? By who? I’ll invite him to our formal. Seriously.
The bouncers found you passed out on the toilet. They tried to move you but you refused and repeatedly shouted that you wanted to go out like Elvis.
shit... I double booked my fuck buddies
Randomize
