new low: just stole a ciggarette from a bum sleeping on the side of the street.
ohh what kind?
how the FUCK am I supposed to macarena while doubble fisting?
I was just texting to see if your vagina was working yet.
We played Russian Roulette with a revolving Nerf gun. If you shot yourself in the face, you had to drink.
Blowjobs in the shower are a lot like blowjobs not in the shower. Awesome.
He's freaking out just because my cat licked his balls while he was fucking me
Shouldn't have fucked on the top bunk, I bounced so high my hair got caught in the ceiling fan and almost broke my neck.
Just found weed in my belly button. Happy Saturday!
The judge mental looks i am getting while looking at porn on my phone sitting in the urgent care waiting room is gonna get way worse when they find out im here to see if im pregnant
Want to FaceTime and watch me finish this bagel?
He sent me a picture of his dick saying "your throne my lady" for my birthday. He knows the way to my heart.
I am at a new level of appreciation for drunk-you, who threw up into her own sweatshirt pocket last night in the car. Brava.
When I type "sleep" my phone suggests "with Trevor". My phones an asshole.
the cop asked if i was drunk and i responded with "breathalize me, cap'n". incidentally, he was a captain and i blew a .13.
Aw. You're having cute FaceTime with your fiance, I'm trying to convince myself not to booty call a 42 year old. #adulting
Randomize
