I got us kicked out of the bar because the waitress found me in the kitchen trying to make spaghetti
I just miserably failed my own drug test. At least I know what a positive will look like when I give them to the employees tomorrow.
I'm going to make him fall in love with me one blow job at a time.
just as they were cutting his pants off he made em stop & said "everyone knows about shrinkage right".
I just found pizaa roll in my hair. Already been to class today
In the sauna. Drunk. When I close my eyes I think I'm a dog. Is that wrong?
Are you awake? Because I would like to know whether or not I should refrain from giving my evil laugh when I enter the apartment...
Don't worry, the house smells like waffles more than sex
She found the planted magnum condom..once she figured it out it was too late.
I woke up this morning and I had the absolutely horrific realisation that I am the human incarnation of scrappy doo
I love the barter system - he got laid and I got him to bring me some ibuprofen. A win-win really.
*jedi mind trick* you want to go down on me
I did just chug a pint glass of wine during a solid round of masterbation, so I believe I am ready for bingo.
Fuck you. All I remember from last night is telling random people that I'm in a "judgement free zone" then I threw up
New rock bottom. Woke up at 7 am fully clothed in a bathtub full of water. I hate myself.
Randomize
