Texts From Last Night · Random Texts

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(212): View more from New York

that's an acceptable place to lick

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(708): View more from Illinois

I just got hit in the face by an old lady love handle.

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(803): View more from South Carolina

Everybody was literally kung fu fighting

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(864): View more from South Carolina

I just found a 1/2 inch of mimosa in my shoe.

(1-864): View more from South Carolina

You should get more absorbent shoes.

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(217): View more from Illinois

who has that picture of us looking like alcoholics at the zoo?

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(517): View more from Michigan

Ive consumed more rum studying for law school finals than I did that time I fucked that fat chick in the back of VW Beetle. It's all ugly, but for different reasons.

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(414): View more from Wisconsin

Sounds good. I will just get tanked here and wear this batman mask.

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(314): View more from Missouri

I need a sign that says “please don’t make plans with me if I’ve had two or more drinks. I will regret them. I will have bitter feelings towards you. Then I will cancel and feel guilty.”

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(551): View more from New Jersey

I can’t shake the image of her gigantic black unibrow. It’s like I got a blowie from Eugene Levy

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