News Flash: Turtles are cuter than Jesus.
Congrats on damning at least 10 generations of your offspring to hell with just one text message. Way to start your morning off right.
"Not only do I bring a guy back to my hotel room....But I bring one back for my friend who's passed out drunk. Now that's what we call BESTfriends"
mom and dad sent me an easter basket full of beer pong supplies again.
Do you remember calling me a cuntasaurus rex last night?
I was pissing in the urinal at the concert and some drunk chick ran in and yelled 'but the lines to fucking long' then ran out with 10 state troopers chasing her... Yeah
Yeah. I realized I have a weakness for drugs and I need to move somewhere where I don't know how to find them.
bro i dont care how hot she was, you try keeping it up with the amount of puppet he had in her room, it was like fucking in jeff dunham's house
Chilling on my porch debating between pre work drinking or video games and getting high.
I woke up snuggling a bottle of water while Hercules played on Netflix. Whiskey Wednesdays
Seriously dude...who threw up on Michelle? She's been crying for like an hour
earned some solid air miles from the plan B I just bought. #silverlinings
I forgot to lock the bathroom door. He walked in, saw me on the toliet, nodded, and walked back out.
There's a baby in the strip club. I say again: THERE'S A BABY IN THE STRIP CLUB
there’s plenty of nice guys out there with good jobs and NO felonies!
I'm over being sad. I'm now onto thinking about all the ways in which he is a total fuckwaste
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