my mom just walked in on me furiously masturbating while reading twilight. needless to say, im officially out of the closet.
walked into a party last night, i saw 3 ex gfs standing in a circle talking to each other...that's the quickest u-turn i've ever made in my life.
dressing as green man for st patrick's day = free drinks all night long
theres always time to masturbate. my grandpa taught me that.
I need to get the stench of sex and broken dreams out of my room
Day 8 of being sober: Sniffed an empty beer bottle at a restaurent and almost licked it. This is not working
im downtown. alone. lost. drunk. dressed as santa. dont find me. i just heard someone say mechanical bull.
There was just way too much discussion about my penis at that party
Halfway through he got an idea for a short story so he wrote it in magic marker on my boobs. Yeah, he's a keeper.
OMG. Dad just threw a 100 dollar bill down on the table for a girl to lift her shirt. I think he was kidding, but...
No joke, I just found $85 on the ground. Must be because I bought you all that liquor. So much good karma.
Seriously I am not buying you condoms anymore. You're 22, if you aren't woman enough to buy them yourself then you don't deserve orgasms. Grow some tits.
Tony's mom to him at breakfast: "I found the shirt you wore last night in the bushes this morning."
My face feels like a midget just gave birth to quintuplets
If I knew the person sucking my dick didn't say thank you for their Christmas presents I wouldn't be able to cum.
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