did i by any chance text you anything about feathers last night?
you mean faeutihaers?
i tried to knight her with my dick. she said it was unromantic. what an ungrateful attitude for a knight.
Gosh I haven't been pantsless in front of anyone for a while. It's time for me to pick up my game. We need a party. I need some rum.
Would you get mad if I held a "how many dick pics can you get in one night" competition with my friend?
We are without power. He took ALL the lightbulbs out and hid them.
Drunk life lesson just learned the hard way: do not try to play hump the great dane. He may take you up on it.
Just traded a sandwich for anxiety drugs outside the club. I fuckin' LOVE this place.
He walked up to anal ring toss like he was going to win you a teddy bear
Everytime I get drunk I wake up hugging the bag of bagels from three months ago
The cat be actin like a 2:30 am poop is the time to tell me all about her thoughts and fears in life. No bitch, this is definitely alone time.
I'm also sorry that I ate your chicken sandwich while you were throwing up....
My Easter dress smells like alcohol, men, and bad decisions
Why are there four guys spooning on the living room floor?
They're still there? Shit. They were supposed to leave after they hugged it out.
God specifically crafted these hands to deal out orgasms.
Dude how about today while I was on lunch someone died in the break room at work....I didn't even know we had a break room!!
Randomize
