I'm going to save the lime from my McDonald's salad to use in my Corona later tonight.
Sitting at a red light. Windows are down. I'm blasting Gaga's "Disco Stick" and doing an interpretive dance to it because I think I'm hilarious. Look to the left and see two Phi Delts that I know with their windows down. They are horrified. I am probably going to lose their Facebook friendships.
So can I buy you a drink sometime?
Sure, but make it a double, I'm drinking for two these days.
how was ur day?
this is strictly sexting don't make small talk.
I think I'm allergic to vodka. Or people getting engaged. One or the other. I want to die.
literally just tried sending to someone a video of me jerkin but my phone was connected to Apple TV and it literally just played on the tv in a full room and I'm actually about to shit myself
I climbed out of the shower to him sitting on the floor trimming his pubes with nail clippers, we both just started laughing at how drunk we were
I just got a girl to make out with me just by saying "get at me." Get at me
I think my sex life is about to turn into a war on two fronts
Apparently I was telling them, "I AM A STRONG INDEPENDENT WOMAN AND I DON'T NEED YOU TO HOLD MY HAIR," and I pulled my hair back and puked.
Tell him to put up or shut up. Can't be dangling dick in front of ho's without delivering.
It's just disrespectful
Well, if it's rabies, your lips will swell just prior to the frothing. Get a lot of good pics!
I was in a bad mood so I guilted her into giving me $100 on a weekly basis and now I feel bad but I don't know how to tell her I hustled her
If you wear a peguin suit you MUST send me a picture!!!
thank god my bra was in my purse... were all good
Randomize
