im in an endless cycle of being too hung over to eat all day...then getting too drunk because i didnt eat anything. where is my life going?
you thought you were invisible so you started narrating your actions.
She devotes each year to either men or women. I waited all year for her to be straight, tonights the night.
if youre pregnant and ruin my spring break i'll never forgive you.
I miss the days of selfishly blowing a load in the condom without her knowing and acting all like "we shouldn't do this" so she would get dressed and leave.
What part of I'm done do you not understand? Im not going to send you sex photos to prove I've moved on..
She makes him look at her naked pics before she sends them to someone she's actually going to fuck. I think this makes him mayor of the friend zone.
Got drunk and passed out flintstone vitamins to everyone at the bar. I'm just so god damn motherly
This chick had a condom box organized by size with dividers that glowed in the dark.
The nun costume is coming back hard and it still has glitter and the smell of Vegas on it.
Best. Text. Ever.
it’s not easy to sexualize brunch. work with me, babe.
should i be that dick who brings a carpet in an uberpool
Why are you moving a carpet?
it's unimportant
He just made this face while he was fucking me and he looked like the hunchback of Notre Dame, I had to stop him.
I made a bucket list last night. Number 5: Will marry a wizard.
I wanted to have a threesome but they’re TOO HETERO
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