She wants out first dance to be to 98 degrees i do cherish you...remember how i said we didn't need open bar....
Last night was the first and hopefully last night I will ever sleep in a hotel bath tub. Sober mind you.
I'm not even gonna ask.
This baby is an asshole
Did you like my voicemail? Sounded like I was being murdered, right?
By a pack of ravenous dildos
Someone please drive out to my house to bring me a beer.. There are some in the fridge but I just can't get up
my question is who was more confortable? You sleeping on the floor or me tweeting from a bush?
Think I just subconsciously wanted a cigarette and started sleep walking to Carl's.. Didn't realize what I was doing until I found myself in an elevator.
If we can put a man on the moon, I'm sure we can turn a pringles can into a bong.
Chilling on my porch debating between pre work drinking or video games and getting high.
My dad's girlfriend is driving through the snow to bring me my purple haze. If he doesn't wife her up, we have a bigger issue on our hands.
A person can only vomit Fireball so much before they quit it forever
So I'm trying to figure out how to talk my boss into allowing pajama day once a week. Any ideas?
Dad smells like hangovers and 65 years of bitterness
Sorry for peeing on your books last night. I wouldn't leave them next to the window anymore.
I boned my sugar daddy for the first time yesterday and now I know why they say guys in their 40s are the best. Also I’m getting a car.
Randomize
