You can tell a man will be prosperous by the power of his farts- A fart that can shake the room is a voice that can change the world.
im just gonna turn drinking alone on new years into a tradition
This is so stupid. Now I have to call the party planner and tell her that the break up party is off. They decided to get back together.
literally have a bruise on my forehead from being over the toilet all night.
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I just want to let you know it was a unanimous decision that we would eat you first if we ever turned into cannibals, we figured with all the bacon you eat you may taste like it. It's a chance we are willing to take with your life...don't forget that we love you
thing about being the result of a teen pregnancy is that all my baby pictures are of my mom and dad holding me around their stoned college friends.
Stories of my weekends have cause divorces, are you sure you wanna hang out?
My contribution to the dinner party was a bottle of vodka and a bag of uncooked potatoes. I felt like a Russian serf.
I almost lit my balls on fire tonight.
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So apparently I ended up throwing my clothes in the toilet after getting kicked out of TQ and ran around the neighborhood in my boxers. Works gonna suck hard once this hangover kicks in. Also: I lost a shoe so looks like flipflops for the rest of winter
He said I act like a cross between a kindergartener and a high 70 year old man. Which is inacurate because it fails to account for the disco obsession.
I'm curious as to what my outfit choices drunk me made for this weekend.
If there's one thing i learned from edward 40hands is that i couldnt handle life with bottles for hands
Word my sister pulled through for me and brought vodka shooters for the plane. its about to be a sloppy 4 hours
Just bought condoms with a walmart gift card. Thanks grandma.