I just found a 1/2 inch of mimosa in my shoe.
You should get more absorbent shoes.
we were wasted and he didn't have a condom so he called the front desk and asked for one. They didn't "officially" have them but the night manager happened to have one in his wallet. He brought it to the room with two mints.
picked up a girl by parallel parking. i love this town already.
bad decision saturdays are such a good decision
How do you get a 7 on a pregnancy test?
Ok that kid was ether gay or 12 with a beard.
Just made a jeopardy bj game. Every question has 10-50 seconds on it and if he's right that's how many he gets.
i ended up eating cold sauceless spaghetti out of the container in the fridge with my hands.
You've never sent a girl a dick pic?
Call me old fashioned
I walked into her room to find her sitting on the end of her bed with her heads in her hands talking to herself. She kept muttering things like "What? How? No. What? I don't --- How?" $10 says she's pregnant.
I'll see to your $10 and raise you $40.
At this point all my Tinder matches are telling me I'll be fucking the whole male population of UMass '17.
You must have my penis confused with someone else's...which is disappointing
I had my room mate call my phone after last night and it was in an uncooked quesadilla
I just got home and spray-tanned my boyfriend. That's the side of relationships they don't tell you about...
I got dominos and had to stop whilst eating and take a moment of silence for how good it was
Randomize
