I have a voicemail from Mike at 1am. He starts to say something, but then throws up instead.
you googled " I want to buy a live ostrich". I'd say you were pretty wasted.
I just offered a homeless man a meal from McDonald's, and he replied "I don't eat McDonald's food". That is the epitome of "begger's can't be choosers."
Sundays have taken on a whole new meaning when I'm not in bed with an excruciating hangover.
where's my purse there's an important taco in it
he slapped my stomach and proclaimed it a baby-free zone
You were basically naked. Just covered in pink duck tape and feathers. I'd have to say this is beyond the slutty mark..
I promise a much better performance tomorrow than last night my penis has a bed time
You refused to get in the cab so we rock paper scissored to decide who walked you home and the fat guy was it. So don't blame your poor hook-up choice on me; it was all you.
And I'm not sure if that's how you pluralize penis. Never planned on needing to know that in my life.
I'm like 87% sure some random guy starting biting my ear after grinding me for like 30 seconds... I feel suprisingly unconcerned
You disappeared for 10 minutes. Then came back with nothing but your boxers and a life jacket on to tell us we were all screwed when the flood came and you would be the only survivor.
The good thing about country bars is that the men generally look like men. The bad thing is the country music.
Sitting in my junior high parking lot high on ambien talking to a stranger I met on tinder. What is life?
My professor congratulated me on turning my assignment in early. I didn't have the heart to tell him I only passed it in early cause my sex plans got canceled for the night.
Randomize
