Umm I'm too high to move.
I*** M*****, this is your dignity texting you. I ditched you when you started hitting on bros and old sailor men last night. My friend Sarah has pictures to prove it.
in retrospect, i probably shouldn't have referred to his dick as "travel size"
apparently they wrote a song entitled "butt slut" about her... im thinking shes not girlfriend material.
For the record it's 1026 and you told me I could leave you in the bathroom.
I got laid and laid off at a conference in long beach all on the same day
Eh. They balance each other out
I don't understand or I understand perfect - if were not talking about fried chicken I'm not sure what's happening.
In case you were wondering, yes I did just watch the Katy Perry movie alone on a Saturday night. I'm so alone it makes a noise.
He walked up to anal ring toss like he was going to win you a teddy bear
My uterus feels like it went 8 rounds with Mike Tyson. And that was only a quickie.
HAPPY AIDS-LESS FOURTH OF JULY YOU HEALTHY FUCK
So what if you don't want to be with your family. Go drink alone and watch Netflix like a normal person, don't be productive!
I love her so much I can forgive her for wearing crocs
Well, why would you bring gelado into a strip club?
Flight got cancelled. Stayed in the same hotel as the flight crew so now I can cross Sex with Pilot off the bucket list
He regularly flies into DC, so I’m going to sign him up for my Frequent Flyer program!
Randomize
