I was just about to go down on her when she gave herself a "smell check" and said "no, not today".
I just want you to know that were having pizza delivered to the emergency room
Why the fuck is BBQ sauce coming out of my shower head?
if that dog is afraid of alcohol then he's no dog of mine
Bubblewrap condoms. We can steal Ziplock's new slogan. Protection you can hear.
I'll be heading downtown with donuts and a lawn chair at 9am to go Halloween Walk o' Shame spotting.
You are the worst substitute drug dealer ever
putting weed in the twinkies box was possibly the best idea you've ever had
Sometimes you gotta say "hey, its been a long semester. Let's puke before 10"
No talking tonight. Just drinking and puking up memories
Its like her house is inhabited by 50 year old lesbian water color artists with a throw pillow fetish
Your mother liked my album on facebook that's only filled with drunk pictures. I don't know what to feel about this
STOP HOOKING UP WITH SOCCER MOMS! YOU ARE RUINING MY REPUTATION!
I'm allotting you four buildings to piss on tonight. Choose wisely.
Like your dick isn't Beyoncé, it doesn't get close ups
Randomize
