No more parties with babies... I can't do that again.
He called the drink "The Annexation of Puerto Rico". He wouldn't tell us whats in it but said that we should all fear for our lives. Let's do this.
How bad is it if you swallow a really small piece of glass? Be optimistic if possible I'm anxious about it.
Dunno why I keep hitting snooze. It's never gonna give me the kind of sleep I need to be sober.
Please tell me you aren't concussed from dancing on the stripper pole
I AM A HOUSE CAT. I CANNOT DO THIS LION BUSINESS WE CALL THE SINGLE LIFE
Dear Jesus. Send me strength to not suck cock this morning.
Sorry it's taking so long, it's harder to take an ass pic with an iPad than you think
I'm listening to Michael Jackson while drinking vodka, alone. Honestly, l wish I could Moonwalk my way back to when I knew wtf was going on in my life.
I went to Christian school in the 90s. I can finger blast anything, but dignity.
If you're wondering about the mess, we had sex in the kitchen. There was noodles involved.
I told my dad that he was in a band and he was all like " good job" and then he looked up the band and listened to their music and just went " oh have you disappointed me"
Broke my ankle and blacked out on my scooter last night. 'Twas grand.
Go have sex with him right now! Drunk sex is the best sex.
I know but these gold fish are so much better
I just had a flashback to me puking and you telling me it was okay because my boobs still looked awesome.
Randomize
