What time are you coming? Can you stop and get mouse traps and trojans?
You have mice?
no why?
...she just doesn't genetically have the things I want my kids to have.
Sorry for talking about super scientific shit so much last night, I know it bugs you sometimes when I don't shut up.
What? You sat on the couch for a solid 2 hours staring at your fingerprints and the only word that came out of your mouth was "how"
whenever music plays i find myself always doing kegels to the beat. its like the new foot-tapping
i want the original willy wonka imagination song to come on when i take a girl to my room
oh great, iTunes now thinks im gay.
I'm sorry. I really don't see what's wrong with pregaming before a wine tasting.This champagne won't drink itself.
The wine tasting is just for charity anyways...
Turned out the thing on the lampshade was a bloodstain, not a bedbug. We feel much safer now.
On the bright side I still get a $20 referral bonus at the plasma center even though he passed out during donation because he was so high.
What can I say, your life is charmed. I'm on the couch trying to decide whether or not to puke again.
And by "hammer out the details" you know I mean spending 20 minutes on wedding plans then getting wine drunk, right?
So the keyword here is "hammered"?
Her idea of a bathing suit is... well.. she might not actually even know what one is. I've only ever seen her in a pool drunk and fully clothed or attempting to get into a pool but tripping over her pants which are at her ankles. Drunk.
I can't believe this. 100 bucks says my Botox lasts longer than their marriage will.
On a scale from 1-10 how fucked up would it be to buy weed with my fafsa money?
It's a study aid
It started with drunk jenga and ended with me simultaneously peeing and puking on his feet in the tub while he held me up. I met Tequila. I don't like her.
Randomize
