She's perfect. Funny, gorgeous, 3 tats, been through a lot, bright. I'm in love.
Just woke up in a hotel next to a 38 year old mom who's married... I think Spring Break has started
Found him. He was passed out on the couch at the new place in a room full of burnt pizza smoke.
Do you think she hates me because I thought her roommate's name actually was Butterface?
She started licking your face, then you turned to me and said "I guess thats my cue", and you proceeded to hook up with her.
I need to make a new year's resolution to only pee in toilets. And it needs to start happening before the new year.
Last night you told me to stop being Martha Stewart and asked if I had Taco Bell in my house
New rule. Every time you and I have a disagreement that lasts longer than 10min, while in a bar, we'll have a shot. Figure we'll eventually start agreeing sooner rather than later...
I can't believe we really went to walgreens to use their cork opener, bounced and drank a bottle of wine in a sketchy corner...
The twitch Bob Ross stream is the happiest little hangover cure ever.
Look, I've got a really big car. We just need to put ourselves in it and put some body parts in other body parts.
Dude she literally licked him. He was covered in cheese and in her high state what else was she gonna do?
Other than the whole stab wound in my leg thing, today was pretty good. The nurses all loved me and gave me a sandwich and juice.
And to be clear I have only watched porn like 3 times at work
I woke up while she was taking a panoramic photo of my morning wood
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