escape the fate? dumbest band name ever. how about escape the fart. now that is a show i would go see!
After you pregamed and were plastered you saw the cop was parked illegally so you gave him a citizens arrest
we need to stop having unprotected sex.
ya i know. we're like the secret life of the american whores.
so today in my theology class we brought up the proper way to have sex. so rough sex was said by the teacher...I said I know a girl that likes to be choked. sorry but everyone knew it was you
Hey. I found $5 in quarters from one of those state quarter collection books. I'm using it for food tomorrow.
he's from indiana, of course he's clueless about "g-spots"
dude i'm so hungover my hair hurts
he's singing something in russian and knocking over my plants with his dick, get his drunk ass out of my apartment
HE STUCK IT IN THE FISHBOWL WTF
Yeah when we were together he never sent me dick pics like a normal boyfriend. It was always pizzas. That should've been my sign.
No one will ever find true happiness until they have gotten stoned and taken off the bra they've been wearing all day.
You, my dear friend, are a poet of the deep mental longings of women worldwide.
he stole a smokey from the street meat vendor and put it in his pocket when she wasn't looking and now we're drinking avocado margaritas
I had to rename my dildo. I met a little kid who named his teddy bear the same name. It just felt wrong.
Let's be real. I'm the Usain Bolt of running away after hookups. Fastest (wo)man alive.
And to celebrate the raising of our lord I just purchased a bunny buttplug. Am I doing this Easter thing right?
I'm glad I didn't see Grandma stumbling drunk and peeing herself...it would be like seeing my future.
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