So it's like pop-o-matic trouble, but with penises
the guy at the pet shop just had an eye seizure while looking at my chest
No mine's bigger. It just looks smaller because I'm drunk
i turned my shower on this morning and passionfruit pulp came out. how did you even do that?
The camera shows a viking with a white mask, a creepy green guy, a gorilla, and a pumpkin throwing eggs and laundry detergent in his yard
OHHH and there was a Batman too.
I was convinced to buy a man thong.
But it's Armani so it's okay.
God I just out gayed myself.
Will you bring a case of beer down to the hot tub? Me and Phil don't want to feel feelings anymore
Just checking to make sure you weren't kidnapped, pregnant or watching Fox News.
the bartender knew what was up when i took a sip of my drink, gagged and asked her to water down my water
I would rather her be sleeping with someone new than getting to go Harry Potter world before me...
She took all the bottles out of the shower caddy and replaced them with booze. I just made a shower Manhatten. Imma marry this one.
I just wanna inform you guys that the first pregnancy scare of 2016 is over...
I'm fine w planning around your penis prospecting. Saturday it is.
I literally just want someone to fuck me and buy me cheeseburgers. I don't even want a relationship at this point. Just a chew toy and some food.
If I didn't have booty calls, my apartment would never get clean
Randomize
