I just got hit by a car and apologized to the driver. I asked him if he was okay.
Ps what kind of horrible ppl are we that we both checked blackberries during sex and neither minded?
TOMORROW NIGHT CAN I HOLD YOU LIKE A BABY
Let's not refer to him as Dustin. That makes him seek like a real person, not just a dick I would like to experience.
I wish there were birth control emojis
Slowly realizing that my only incentive to bathe is shower beer
I'm gonna get drunk in the shower and yell at my parents during dinner. Have fun in Texas.
How dare you question the sanctity of Chocolate-and-Porn day
You said you couldn't use your body anymore so you made me push the buttons on your phone while you made alien sound effects
Seriously insulted!! You can not share my dick pick with your gay brother. He won't quit poking me on fb
I'm trying to arrange "Flawless" to come on as soon as I get up to leave the room after my thesis defense. Bow down bitches indeed.
I say camping because "let's go get hammered in the woods" sounds kinda fucking weird to be honest.
I'm planning our wedding on the computer and our threesome on my phone. At the same time.
Hey do you remember me?
You were the giant banana I had sex with... how could i forget?
Let’s be real here. NOTHING says Real Adulting like rolling a J on your line of credit paperwork.
Randomize
