So he sent me a text that said "say hi to your vajayjay for me"
Was there any message he wanted you to relay to your asshole?
Its already bleeding so dont be alarmed after you bite it
of course. lets lasso hookers.
So my retainer doesn't fit, so i'm getting drunk so i can put it back in. Alone.
You would...
The vodka told me to go iceskating on my frozen pool. I may have attempted.
I think we can all agree that the size of her boobs, combined with beer, is destroying my ability to judge looks.
note to self: shower sex when you have 7 stitches in your leg is never a good idea. never.
He told me he loved me. I didn't know what to say so i just squirted the baby oil at him
Totally forgot I asked the cop for a theoretical fist bump and he still let me drive away
It's like weed even makes my glasses better. Everything is so bright and clear and beautiful!
She definitely peed in a bucket in their closet last night. We should warn them about that, right?
Youre a wreck. Youll be in your dorm weeping to project runway covered in pizza sauce and smelling of stale beer
The cop asked me why my pants were around my knees when he woke me from the sink, i replied "Officer, my underwear is still on, nothing bad happened" then he nodded in acknowledgement and we carried on with the paper work.
it was weird going down on him. His picture of Jesus was staring at me the entire time...
I have cats now. Five of them.
Have you considered starting a global domination firm?
Randomize
