I feel like this whole "telling that guy i have a kid to avoid him" thing is getting out of hand..
How so?
Probably at the point when i told him i was "Too drunk to drive" and "had to pick up my kid" all in a span of like 2 hours.
I woke up on a futon with 2 stolen budwiesers in my purse, 5 extra bucks, a sucker stuck to my shoe, one sock, and a stolen copy of the zombie survival guide
please tell me this is not legit
there comes a time in a mans life when you ask yourself, will i fake love for blowjobs? and the answer is always yes
Real friends wouldn't let me shotgun a 4loko after already seeing me trying to eat a girl out through her jeans.
in hindsight, the duct tape banana hammock was a bad idea.
She Kept going around and squirting jello shots into guys mouths. That was her ice breaker.
Im eating these cheese filled pretzels. So good. Theres jizz dripping out places i didnt even know i had.
I woke up in a poorly constructed blanket fort on a strange office floor covered in rug burns and champagne. How was your night?
My usual answer of have sex with it doesn't work in this situation
Don't patronize me, I thought of that on peyote, so it was basically like a message from God.
I'm pretty sure that my eyebrow is going to be swollen from a sex injury tomorrow and possibly a black eye. If it forms that way it wiil be the second time. Different eyeball. Different decade.
And no one can masturbate with the sound of Bernie's voice in the background
I always felt my time would come in the form of a tidal wave of whisky
I'm drunk listening and crying to Selena. How's your Monday?
The amount of illegal things I've done this weekend is astounding.
Randomize
