the bus pole looks like a man who feels guiltyty about something
I can already tell this is gonna be one of those parties where we sit across the room and text about people.
I've gotten 23 condolence texts about Germany's defeat. I got 3 for our break-up. That's how much my friends don't like you.
Don't park in the garage. I installed a stripper pole while drunk and it's kinda in the way
Yeah, I wouldn't mind getting fingered in the corner of a dive bar again.
don't tell me about being eco-friendly. i just threw up in the same bag i bought my liquor in. RECYCLING
Youll thank me when youre dead an dont have a cat eating your face
Didn't want you to think it had been open season on my vagina since we broke up.
Bored at work. googling vodka waffles.
I just started the bonfire using a tampon. Who knew they could have multiple uses?
You thought there were zombies attacking us so you tried to tuck and roll out of a moving vehicle. Also you should consider wearing underwear
You grabbed my arm, said "I need you" in a very concerned voice and dragged me to the other room where you were blasting Evolution of Beyoncé.
Why is there a slipper full of piss in my bedroom?
I turned off my domesticated goddess switch over 2 years ago and idk how to turn it back on. So in the mean time I'll dodge this gf bullet and eat free steak for as long as possible
Eh, it could have been worse. I may or may not have been wearing a jedi cloak while getting my dick sucked.
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