And I'm PMSing. So if I'm not crying, I'm masturbating.
I had a dream about a turtle sitting on top of a horse skull. I'm certain its a symbol for my dead sex life. Trust me.
Woke up chewing my pillow from a dream where I was scarfing Cajun pasta from TGI Friday's. That's a new level of fat, even for us
I told him I was engaged, had 911 on speed dial and made him wear his seatbelt, then dropped his drunk ass off at his motel...probably not the night he was expecting.
I think we should bring back the casual nipple tassel
I'll never forget how blunt of a wingman you were. "Excuse me, my friend wants to makeout with someone"
Don't ask me how, but I have a squirrel in my backpack and I don't know what to do with it.
Was I asleep on the ride home?
Yea, then when I tried to hold your head up on a turn, you round house punched me in the face.
These girls just walked into this party as reverse cowgirls... Wearing cowboy clothes all backwards
Build a thousand brigdes, lick one butthole. What am I remembered for? Buttholelicking.
Did you take the bag w/your drugs & cookie cutter?
I did way too many drugs this past week for having a broken nose #commitment
Here's a tip: do NOT chant "MATTHEWS. MATTHEWS. MATTHEWS." during sex because the Packers won against the Giants.
I woke up in my neighbors backyard with glitter on my teeth and sparklers super glued on my bra. which part was your fault?
He’s perfect! He listens to Genesis during sex and has a VW bus!
You really are from the panhandle, aren’t you?
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