I could be a Disney star with the amount of nude photos of mine that get leaked.
if i died would you start the facebook group?
Ryan Howard.... the only guy who struck out more than me this weekend
if i were reduced to my simplest elements, i would be jizz and glitter.
i'm having flashbacks of crying and telling you i was made out of egg salad.
Yeah...I know. It's cute I think...I mean cute in a weird like hey I kinda took you home from the bar one night, maybe criticized your penis, and fucked your brains out...kinda sorta way
Don't forget: you only show your tits for the good beads. Be judicious.
The only thing keeping me calm right now is pretending to chop off everyone's heads when using the paper cutter
whoa! who said he's my boyfriend?
Oops. Sorry. That guy you keep accidentally running into in public. And at home. And with your vagina.
Also I feel that I would be a hell of a sled dog operator.
I'm Michael Phelps, Olympic Champion.
Are you just smoking weed? Cause that's not actually a Michael Phelps costume
He fucked me so hard my nail polish actually chipped. I'm keeping him.
To this day, I regret not having sex in the bathroom
I'm too drunk to remember your name. I'm too drunk to recall where i'm currently at. And i'm too drunk to give a shit.
Is that your Nuva ring on the floor? Shit must have gotten crazy
Randomize
