I just tipped a bartender in xanax.
i just fingered the ice cream at home instead of getting a spoon
been there done that
Jack off faster Americas best dance crew is beyonce themed
I got vodka in my stocking. Having an alcoholic mom has paid off.
he opened up his "box of magic": a crusty tube of KY jelly, three expired condoms, a fingertip vibrater, and a jar of marshmallow fluff.
It was a cry at the bar alone type of night, served with a side of passing out facedown in my nachos.
Vaginas creep me out. I'm disgusted by the look of them. I wonder if this is what having an ugly baby is like: you have to take care of it and love it but it just hurts you on the inside to look at it.
I just haven't been myself lately. I slept with a guy 21 years older than me and I've been wearing my hair in a center part.
I feel like I shouldn't have to explain to you why giving your cat weed was a bad idea.
Do you count doing $200 of coke off his dick until 6am as a successful rekindling of our relationship or...
I got a 5 dollar bill, 1 condom, and no alcohol. I get payed on Thursday. Let's do this shit.
I snuck out three pillows from the hotel i was rolling so hard. They are like little clouds. I regret nothing.
your were asleep with people making out on top of you. you didn't even look bothered by it.
I was so hungover at work I had my shirt on backwards. I had no idea how I managed to get through today puke free.
someone stole my phone at the bar last night, naturally, it led to me waking up in the bartender’s bed
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