Mars, I'm going to name my child horatio mars. He will hate me till he gets high. Then he'll understand
Does transporting jello shots count as driving with an open container?
Dude i thought about you literally the second after I came. This friendship is starting to cross some serious boundaries
I just remember her dragging me inside in a panic saying we needed mentos and popcorn I have no fucking clue how we ended up asleep in her closet.
I left my coke in the bird nest in the bathroom stall last night but I found it nest and all in my purse I love morning suprises
Steaks?
It's Ash Wednesday.
If you really think that not eating meat on a weeknight is going to keep you out of hell, fine. Can I use that chimichurri you made?
Dick sucking on arrival? or would you like to cash that in later?
Hahahaha don't tempt me. Remember we're trying to avoid airport jail if possible
You were laying in a hotel bed drinking beer from a straw while you demanded everyone to kiss your foot tattoo.
I told him to send me a dick snap for my birthday. To personalize it, he drew a candle coming out of the tip of it so I could blow it out.
I'm just wondering how Jon managed to get vomit ON THE CEILING?
im going to smoke a cigarette and reflect on my life choices
Did you finish that presentation yet?
No but don’t worry about it. I do my best work in the middle of the night. I’m like a hamster.
Just realized I've spent more nights sleeping on bathroom floors the last two weeks than in my own bed. It's time to reevaluate my life.
Puked up breakfast after doing my first minze shot in a while, but that shot was to Trump losing the election, so it's all good.
Randomize
