she's like "i'm so proud of u" ... and then i threw up on myself
GUESS WHAT I JUST LICKED
I feel like half our conversations start this way.
I was just given a safe word. It's going it be an interesting night.
Is 10 pm too early to booty call a freshman?
Dude, just look at these fucking curtains and chill out.
How much is that going to cost?
A lot of beer.
She tried to sleep on the front steps of her salon so she wouldn't be late for work and these people put her in a cab to my house. She is nothing if not responsible. Can u imagine her boss finding her there this morning?
Employee of the year! :)
That's like being smoked out by a unicorn. If the opportunity presents itself you fucking do it and don't ask questions.
Oh if we have sex in public no one will frown upon it. They will stand and cheer for it
I told him he deserved someone better...then I told him he looked very fuck-able wearing nothing but sweat pants. We'll break up in the morning.
I had not one but two drunk coworkers text me and hit on me tonight. I feel like I've finally been accepted into my dysfunctional workplace
I thought my life was going to shit but then I read about Amanda Bynes and I realize it's not so bad
Just checking to make sure you weren't kidnapped, pregnant or watching Fox News.
Had to lock my cat in the bathroom so I could masturbate in peace.
I woke up to him crying and pouring pixy stix in my mouth saying they would bring me back to life.
Randomize
