I just found out you can file for divorce online. I love America.
the guy that filmed erin andrews naked got 27 months in jail. Every man that's seen it should send him cigs and a nail file baked in a cake. We owe it to him.
I got an 8 ball and a free entrance pass to the strip club, if i dont get laid tonight I never will.
Chasing bourbon with pepto... Dedication.
We were both halfway out the window trying to give each other high fives over the roof while the dude was going 150.
Pulling over on the side of the road to set off fireworks was the worst idea you have ever had. I don't care if it was called a friendship pagoda.
I ended up with a gash in my head from drunken dancing last night. I love life.
I had 800 mg of ibuprofen 2 b vitamins and I'm pounding water like I'm trying to win a hazing
I've had to much cheese to give a fuck about anything. im tired.
we shared soup. that is literally the extent of my romantic life right now
The things i do for you...I put all those condoms on a bed, complete with girl, and you sleep in the bathroom
How do I go about this? "Hey, its my birthday in 40 minutes. Would you like to come over for some sex? Also, please bring snacks"?
So it's ironically funny that my psychiatrist's office and my cocaine dealer's house are on the same street
Nothing says "I'm sorry for shitting in your bed" like an Olive Garden gift card
Theres just something about today that says lets get drunk, dont you think?
Randomize
