Just brushed my teeth...forgot we used this toothbrush in bed last night.
She has a concussion we think. Dancing to barbie girl.
Dude i have a 6th sense for when bagel bites are ready.
your boyfriend is drunk and yelling to the bar that he loves his cats
Also I'd like you to set a calendar reminder that goes off every day for you to take 2 minutes to think about what your life would be like without me.
You were in your third change of clothes, and I found you in my driveway passed out with my dog's food bowl. You win.
Walked into my campus store carrying a pitcher of sangria. No fucks given. Also this recipe is banging.
At one point he was so drunk he was carrying around a bottle of patron drinking out of it and falling everywhere and every time he spilled it he would scream "THERE GOES TWENTY DOLLARS."
S.O.S. he's talking about horses and breast feeding.
....she made me stop for like 3 minutes so she could talk to her cat....
Today is a shit your pants at work kinda day
that is either the most profound and meaningful thing i've ever heard, or someone got high before noon again.
Feels weird riding an elevator with my tongue in my own mouth.
I need you to sex the hangover out of me again.
How does the curb feel today?
It's stronger than my elbow. But I found my lighter while I was down there.
Randomize
