Just bummed a recreational vicodin off my friend's 40 year old boyfriend & am hoovering a breakfast sammy from costco. And I don't have a boyfriend because why?
Kristen just told everyone at the bar that I've got a huge dick, now Brittany is giving me the eye. What is the opposite of FML?
You should have seen the look on the cashiers face when I was buying steel reserve with a suit on.
Just taught my suite how to queef. I feel like i'm back in 9th grade!
Homegirl just dropped a candle on the floor major party foul. Thought it make you feel better.
she sent me pictures of 3 different vaginas and if I could pick which one was hers i could sleep with her.
I was always good at matching as a child.
the doctor said its the kinda of pregnant you dont recover from
Cavemen vs astronauts. weapons to be determined. Who would win?
So he's compensating for a really small penis. Either that or he's a drug lord.
My hands are stained pink. I look like I fisted a muppet.
Wanna get mid day margaritas tomorrow if I'm still alive
It's dollar drink night and I have my honors society initiation tomorrow. Somehow I think this will not end well.
I swear to fucking god if he takes away netflix I will have no problem sending his gf our sex videos
I offered to trade my cat for a bottle of tequila as long as it had a handle on it and realized I had a problem
just discovered a semi frightening wound on the side of my head that must have happened last night. if i die of a brain aneurysm, make sure they put "sorry for partying" on my gravestone.
Randomize
