oh god the rape fog is back!
my boobs just fell out on the dance floor. my wedding is totally beating your wedding
I'm covered in pickle juice. Why do you people leave me alone?
The vodka told me to go iceskating on my frozen pool. I may have attempted.
Hey do you have a way to post bail? If not we can hook you up. If a police officer is reading this please ask him and respond in a timely fashion. I am concerned for my imprisoned friend
I was puzzled last night that there were shots waiting for us when we got there. Just read my messages and saw you were ordering from the bar via texts.
My dream had 1 penis and 2 pizzas in it. Priorities?
I'm going to keep a tally of how many lives I ruin this summer. Starting today.
Already at 3 and it's not even noon.
Toilet is so comfy. Serious question/why does weed make every surface feel like bed?
Anywho, an ostrich attacked me today. Fucking useless pieces of shit birds.
We got stoned and took selfies with the most perfect lawn
She was drunk at Red Robin. She asked for more fries and then shoved them in her purse while saying "Come on bitches, you're coming with me" to them.
one nice thing about being home: no walks of shame, just drives of shame
WHY are you masturbating to hockey fights?
I’m going to hump him until his teeth hurt and then I’m going to have my way with him
Randomize
