I just came so hard I farted. Twice. Thank God I'm alone.
david just texted me. reply with photo of genitalia? y/n
At lowes after workin outside. Kid behind me says "mommy that man smells like a taco" yes she was talking about me.
Fuck winter. I had to scrape my windshield, shoeless, after the walk of shame so I could go home.
she asked me which thongs i though her boyfriend would like best. fuck the friend zone
There is nacho cheese and blood everywhere.
I don't think everyone found it as funny as I did... Nothing says "Party's Over" like the sound of a pump action shotgun.
Challenge: Try to have your balls hanging out in every picture you take tonight
Challenge Accepted
Chipotle just hit me... I want to go sit in the corner of the shower and cry until morning.
Bobbing for jello shots in a bucket of long island. Fast track to alcohol poisoning.
He's like... An octopus that touches my vagina in all these diff ways at the right times. It's almost unsettling
So he noticed that I cut a half inch off of my hair. Guess who just earned himself some road head on the way to the twin cities?
He was lasting forever and I couldn't take it so I faked an asthma attack
There is a goat eating lettuce out of our fridge. Do you wanna grab a bloody mary?
well it was naive of you to actually think you're the only bday sex he had lined up for him today. I'm just suprised he actually had a line forming outside of his room
Randomize
