Michael Bay diarrhea
god, you should never be in the FBI. you'd give away america's secrets to any boy who asked.
What do I have to do to get you laid? I talked to that girl with the ugly dog for 45 minutes trying to get you in, and all you said was "Steven Spielberg is my favorite director."
Its official. Iv'e been kicked out of a bar in every state. I would like to take my job and travel time for allowing this to happen.
It's ok for me to have his baby but I can't be his friend on fb. Wth is wrong with this
Also, I think I'm too drunk to be at the gym right now. But how sober do you need to be for IM volleyball?
Oh you know same old same old. just eating pizza after faking extreme night terrors to get a one night stand to leave my apartment
I'm sitting in my 10 am lecture drinking a flask out of a dorritos bag...I think people are starting to notice but I'm already too drunk to care
I don't know who's more excited for you to come home. Me or my vagina
I'm going to fake an anxiety attack to get to the front of the line. Save me some brisket.
I do NOT want my proposal story to start "...he was peeing on me and then..."
Goddamn it. Hes got me addicted to his penis
I can't wait to get to LA so I can punch her in the face
She couldn't find her toothbrush so I had to wait while she sucked on the 12 peppermints she found under the couch. Pretty resourceful for her level of intoxication.
Last night I realized I made a dick appt 2 MONTHS IN ADVANCE!!!!....... WHO THE HELL DOES THAT!?!? LMAO!
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