two of my INSANE ex girlfriends just texted me saying their coming over because im home alone. needless to say, im deleting my twitter.
well hello there hangover. fancy meeting you here on this BRIGHT thursday morning.
Its 11am everyones wasted wearing sombreros and eating fresh produce..cesar chavez would be very proud
I definitely didn't wake up this morning thinking "i wanna get gang banged today"
Just got a birthday card from Camel. How am I supposed to stop smoking when they care?
Vodka infused whipped cream. Shit just got real.
currently shading my boobs to make it look like i have mass cleavage...thanks art school
I hope in my next life I'm a sterile trophy wife. With a husband who showers me in wealth and gifts but can't get a hard on. Do you think my karma is good enough for that?
So... Apparently, "Home" isn't the correct response when a cop asks for your address...
dont eat that thats our sex nutella.
I'm at a restaurant. I am NOT about to discuss my asshole over the phone.
I've found my spirit animal. I'm a Snapple bottle. If you take my top off I'll tell you a fact about science.
We hooked up in his car and afterwards he cried. I think I need to find a new hookup...
This is the third year in a row that Mario has fallen through a table on New Years. I'm sensing a tradition developing.
He’s tiny, hairless and humps my leg when he wants sex. He’s basically a chihuahua
Randomize
