I woke up with my face in a pile of pancakes and 3000 mistakes.
Three 40's of Mickeys, is no excuse to be naked at Baskin Robins.
The only thing that would make my night better is if William Shatner came and read me a bedtime story.
i had to apologize to my friends for being friends with me
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They both told everyone they fell in a mud puddle
Oh they definetly fell in the mud, repeatedly, on top of each other
So he told me he didn't have a condom, paused, and then said "so, pulling out" and tried to high five me.
And as far as being fat goes I just did like 20 minutes of p90x and now i'm eating frosting out of the container....
we've had sex 4 times and he still refers to me as 'the chick in my chem class'
The homeless guy out front said it's his birthday and he asked us to join him for happy hour after work. He's buying a fifth of gin to celebrate.
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got one for peeing in public....called the cop a donut dunking communist...should be a fun court appearance
His car is rigged up like the cash cab how am i supposed to not sleep with him
I mean, it's just pathetic when the standard is tinder and he can't live up to it.
I'm planning our wedding on the computer and our threesome on my phone. At the same time.
She wouldn't fuck me because I had a cast, so I took her friend home
i realized my signature handshake has now become a hookup. i love what college has done to me.
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