I think i just got paid for sex with a hot pocket... and i accepted
I made out with the bride. You tell me how my night was
She was about to go down when you guys iced me. Thanks bro
the liquor store owner came out from behind the counter and kissed my cheek when he saw that i am back for fall semester
Next thing I know we're all standing in the kitchen holding hands and thanking God for the beer.
Did you get the "i have a yeast infection from that wet frat bathroom floor" text?
I cartwheeled across every street... They tried to stop me but I bit anyone who came near me
In a shocking revelation, I learned that the Easter Sunday shit show happened not because of vodka but because my gay neighbor drugged me.
Even with having the shower running and music on everyone could hear the alcohol gods making me sacrifice my dignity and meals from the past week.
we were hooking up and then he goes "you can touch my penis" and i laughed too hard to do anything. no second date.
dude, you declined head because you wanted to tell her about how you put cinnamon in your weed. also, we're low on Chef Boyardee
You told me that you were as fast as lightning and you wanted to race me. Then you faceplanted after falling down the stairs.
You were drunk enough to sled down a highway off ramp in your pajamas….
I didn't want him to hear me sneaking in. The doggie door was the perfect solution.
You know how last week before we left I was drinking outta that blue cup and I left it sitting across the road. Well, it hadn't moved and my family just found it, brought it inside and cleaned it. I think this cup is my soulmate.
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