Sex on bubble wrap = best decision ever.
I just had to explain to the pharmacy cashier that the Plan B and thank you notes I was buying were not related.
One of my students just wrote an essay on how ninjas, like drug addicts, must realize they need help before they can get better...I gave it an A+
Iiiiiii almost fall ib the lake
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I'm too hungover to be in a fucking cow suit right now
I just remember thinking, if she falls asleep, I'm totally eating that spilled chex mix right off of her.
You kept trying to throw the grocery cart off the balcony.
Every time you blow me I should make a paper crane and we'll make them into a chain and hang them from the ceiling. And then whenever we have people over and they ask what the cranes are for I'll say "reminders" and wink at you.
Just drug him and when he wakes up be like "you just woke up from a coma, we've been married for the past five years." It'll be like the Vow but fucked up.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
You don't realize how cold it really is...I poured my bong out the second floor window and icicles hit the ground.
Bud... Did you mean to tweet a picture of your dick? If not just letting you know.
"Yeah because the first thing I think of when I hear the word college is tear gas."
Dude, naked camping ALWAYS takes precedence. I would skip my own funeral to go naked camping.
At a bar in the city and the whole place starting singing “Happy Birthday” to someone. Everyone but me. The person next to me leaned over and said, “Why didn’t you sing along?!?” I responded, “I don’t know him. I don’t give a shit if he has a happy birthday.”
He said he’s shouting let’s get this bread the first time we have sex...
He’s very straightforward
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