Yeah dude I should be out of the ER in about an hr. They gave me vallium. Go tell the captain its time to set sail.
Everyone is drunk but me. Fantastic. Everyone is hooking up but me. Awkward.
I had a pitcher of margaritas. Now I'm in a laundry room being a 5th wheel and crying. I made myself a bed out of a pool floatie. I win.
I think ill wear my dads dashiki but make it sluttier. We shall see
He said I could pay him back in blow jobs. What's the going rate for those these days?
Is she still in your room?
Not for long. My plan is to smoke her out like a small woodland creature.
i had a mental breakdown over a math asignment proposed to a glass of chocolate milk then burned my hands when i acidentally leaned on the stove i have the grill marks burned on my hands i can see them
its only been 20 minuts since i last saw you
Now the circle is complete. Just interviewed a guy who was a higher up member of the team I worked for in my job before this place
i puked in the 2nd best shower and the couple fucking in the 1st didnt even pause so you might wanna hold off on that for a while
I just want somewhere where I can sit down, without changing my clothes, that will serve me breakfast food and booze. Is that too much to ask?
Dude, you GARGLED with bleu cheese last night!
That's when I realized I was probably naked in the wrong bed
Russell is lonely. He needs a companion.
You're lucky you have a monster cock or most people may just laugh at your penis' nickname.
In what world does 'I'm awake' at 2:30 in the morning on a wednesday translate to 'let's fuck' in the span of one text? Where has the romance gone?
I made him fuck me while wearing a Thor helmat from Walmart. Geek sex is the best sex
I am so so sorry I bit your butt last night. Twice.
Randomize
