This is why I shouldn't be left alone with liquor and anticipation.
Just saw ur first draft of ur suicide note.
You spelled "worthless" wrong.
my text book just quoted the cookie monster
I just saw "i'm bigger then that" as her facebook status. Would it be better to make a fat joke or correct her grammar?
let's get a trip to cabo together for next spring... they have to have forgotten about me by now
Before attempting to fly away into the night you asked me to take care of your sister. I agreed.
He made me leave when I challenged "all you bitches" to a game of strip taboo.
Please stop leaving drunk voicemails with your new black/Irish accent.
I think I died last night. I had 14 beers..well 13 1/2 if you count the one that got spilled on the baby in the elevator.
a kid puked on the floor and instead of, you know, cleaning it they cut a square out of the carpet with a boxcutter and threw it outside
The basket that the Naughty Easter bunny left for you at my house might keep us entertained for a little while...
Fell asleep with Kristen and woke up with Sarah. It's official, vacation has begun.
we dropped acid in chinatown. worst. idea. ever. too many colors. and nobody has any idea where steve is.
I used an emoji to tell him I was pregnant. I should feel bad about that, right?
Like he's moved to LinkedIn creeping on me since he's blocked everywhere else & I'm just so confused does he think I'm going to post daily updates of my life on FUCKING LINKEDIN
Randomize
