Only now do I see "not intended for use on skin" warning. Wonderful. But hey, my dick smells like magic marker.
I almost punched the night nurse in her face. I woke up and she was standing over me.
FYI, your girlfriend is on her way to the ER. She tried to balance a bottle of jack on her chest. Smashed toes, blood all over patio. Call her, kinda funny though.
Man, just talk to her friend and help me out. Otherwise we go home alone
I'd rather jerk off with a hand full of bumble bees then talk to her
I think shooting the BMW with the bow and arrow is when our group became the evening's antagonist
When he saw my tits he said "wow you should be proud.
I just drove my booty call to his booty call, if that isn't spreading the love, I don't know what is.
He threw up on my head while I was blowing him, and then I started barfing, and the kitchen floor was a mess. Believe me, he will never, ever live this down.
I wanna die. I can't recall the last time I was happy that doesn't involve your hand touching my butt.
There is a dude riding on one of those standing wheel things inside forever 21. Calm down.
She gave me a boner for the first time in 9 years.
its 11:20. i'm drunk in class flying paper airplanes for my final. what the fuck is my college experience right now?
My ultimate hope is that people will hug me, smell me, and therefore think I'm classy.
It’s a good thing I’m the only one in the office today. My boy toy stopped by and now there is jiz all over my desk and couch
Fuck this virus. We’re finally back on campus but the bars suck parties are banned sports are canceled we eat in our rooms and can’t fucking hangout with anyone. I’m tired of virtual classes and involuntary celibacy
OMG IKR! It’s not college unless we’re puking in a toilet wondering if we’re pregnant or just hungover!
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