Dude my mom stole all your condoms
Um don't talk to me about fat. I just used my chip bag to cover up all my candy wrappers in the garbage.
I think a 5 ft pyramid of jello shots in honor of the egyptians is in order
Yeah that's one way to look at it on the other hand MY FUCKING BED CAUGHT ON FUCKING FIRE
nah we got kicked outta the bar after the bouncer saw us putting straws up Chelsea's nose to make her look like a walrus after she fell asleep at the table
Ideas for halloween. We need simple yet hilarious. Cheap yet effective. Slutty yet acceptable. Go.
just reminessing about the wedding and were they seriously to tight to serve a meal oorrrrrr was it just another one of my black-out-by-dinner drunks
the fact that you actualy have a 'black-out-by-dinner drunk' is a bit deserving..
But seriously, I hug most of my drug dealers.
Oh I know babe. You're shining beacon of adult responsibility. That's why I go down on you.
I go down on you because abs
That was when I yelled "Wisconsin powers activate!" and took off sprinting across the ice
Somehow you're a lightweight AND an alcoholic. Rare combo in one person. Well done.
I don't mean to crush your hopes and dreams but having sex IN the Stanley Cup isn't possible
If I ever write a memoir I'm thinking "Choosing to sit in a vat of shit" would fit
You know it’s going to be a rough day when you scream “Get fucked” at your alarm clock
So my ex just asked for my address to send me his wedding invitation... in Europe. Awesome.
That’s basically a green light to fuck his dad
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