I was 10 minutes late leaving for lunch today because I couldn't lose a boner. It is impossible to tuck it when your shirt is tucked in...gotta quit facebook stalking hot chicks at work
i am already firmly committed to doing irish carbombs w/ 12 different people, and the st pattys day party doesnt start for another 24 hours. i may die
We found her in the fireplace eating dog biscuits.
so do you, all the weight can't fall on me. I'll befriend a ball pit owner if you will befriend a drug dealer. teamwork.
College freshman give noticeably better blowjobs by the 5th week of the semester.
'Well you know, stuff happens' isn't really an excuse for sticking a cheeto in my ear
Facebook stalking ex-girlfriends who went to rehab. This is my life.
The fact that there are multiple ex-girlfriends who have been to rehab concerns me
The only thing keeping me calm right now is pretending to chop off everyone's heads when using the paper cutter
Steve watched craig and I have sex from the top level of his cat tower this morning.
my confident boosted when he told me that it was I who started making out with him. ME. NOT HIM.
I AM SHOCKED AND PROUD OF MYSELF
I definitely don't have enough experience with hookers to be in this group text anymore.
He said "send me a motivational picture" so I sent one with mayo on my face that said "clearly I'm no stranger to white stuff on my face"...I'm the fuckingng worst
Sundays were made for eating Ramen pantless in bed.
If you don't respond in the next 30min, I'm going to assume your in a sex coma, in jail, or dead... All of which I've become accustomed to, and will follow the appropriate channels of notification once you notify me.
Why is the microwave staring at me?!
Randomize
