I think I died a long time ago.
New requirements. My future husband must have a nose ring and wear headbands.
We are no longer friends.
My stomach is making the worst sounds, probably because there is nothing but semen in it.
Just an FYI: The offer for you to come snow blow my driveway in return for sexual favors is still on the table
Even my vagina gasped.
How are ur friends?
One is peeing in the grass and the other is asleep under the stairs. Fuck them I'm sleeping in the car
He wanted me to blow him while he did curls and looked at himself in the mirror. Not sure if gay or ego maniac.
Is it inappropriate to send a happy 3-year anniversary of having a threesome with you and your ex girlfriend on easter text?
I knew it was going to be good when he took off my bra and I only realized 5 minutes later
But I did spend part of my morning scrubbing your cum off my grandmothers piano.
YOU HAVE PISSED AND FUCKED ON LITERALLY EVERYTHING IN MY HOUSE
Not everything, just a few things. And only a few times. The odds are really not all that bad when you break it down.
you’ve pissed every time you slept over. there’s no such thing as odds anymore. it’s guaranteed
PICK ME UP NOW I THINK THIS MOTEL IS A CRIME SCENE. also congrats on your engagement i saw the post on my phone while i was climbing out the window
I just lectured my ex boyfriend on how to eat a girl out what has my life come to
I just got a robo call from the Addiction Help Line. Not sure how to take that.
Dashing through the vodka, in a tinder swiping rage, all the fuck boys get a no, laughing all the way.
Randomize
