put your butt on the phone this is a booty call
Scratch that. Lia's boy toy's brother has a gorilla costume. This is gonna be great.
if three guys were standing in front of you and they differed only in the hairiness of the groin who would you choose: smooth as a baby's bottom, the grass lands or the amazon jungle?
i think you're getting too neurotic about why she won't touch you.
I am in the hospital with a broken wrist because a guy told me that if I punched him it "wouldn't hurt." it hurt. me. Thank you 11 jello shots.
My rats are drinking wine. I am drinking with rats. God i am so alone.
Just caused a nice traffic jam while trying to park at Costco. Too high to drive.
He calls it "his noble steed" and i plan to ride it.
Completely smashed, masturbating to the view of the ocean. Family vacations are more tolerable than I thought
just woke up under a car ? That's odd
Holy fucking shit
WAIT BUT IM WEARING A BACKPACK THAT MAGICALLY HAS 30 BEERS IN IT
I asked you if you wanted to go to the ER, have me sew it up or just wrap it in duct tape and keep on keepin on. You just said YES. I remember very little after that.
You're a good friend.
You want to complain about your sex life to me? Right now mine consists of trying to masturbate lightly enough not to wake her up with bed shakes. Go. Fuck. Yourself.
I just used a beer funnel to put gas in my car
There's "red head", "preppy white girl" and "the two Asians I dated and now everyone thinks I like Asians"
Your dating history is like the united colors of Benetton
He had all the grace of a fucking hippo and the emotional control of a five year old
She took all the bottles out of the shower caddy and replaced them with booze. I just made a shower Manhatten. Imma marry this one.
Randomize
