It's true. Ladies love me because I'm so strong and they feel safe. Not because of my pseudo charm and their impaired judgement after several drinks...
you called me at 4 am to tell me you found the cracker barrel location where we'll have lunch next week
he actually proposed, and i threw up on him...i guess 5 glasses of wine was a bad idea.
Being drunk at the hospital is better than i expected. I got to hide and play in the little kids waiting area. Btw no one is hurt
Omg considering I am covered in cake and probably cocaine that is the greatest news I have ever heard
It just gets louder and louder too...dear god. Her poor vagina.
That's not how these arrangements work. You don't buy each other stuff unless you break a sex toy. End of story.
Date idea: we should go to the store and buy all the different kinds of Lay's and eat them all
I may have been mad at the Supreme Court/patriarchy and tried to hate fuck myself.
You caught me at a bad time. I'm stoned enough that I'm ready to sleep but also not stoned enough that I wanna smoke again but also stoned enough to not wanna drive anywhere
Idk man there's lots of bad dick but even a bad cookie is still pretty good
But you put your finger in my ass and the rest is history
The dominatrix coworker is currently listening to pop music that has been translated into an Irish dialect and sung by high school kids. Every day gets weirder here.
it was cool until he whispered 'sounds like you need a good dicking' with a completely serious face and i just lost it
This hangover is too legit right now. I just sneezed and almost puked
Randomize
