am i at home because theres a dig starrrrring at me and i dont know wit plus i haer sirens. run fast.
A friday without alcohol is hardly a friday at all
if I could go back to kindergarten and not fuck up my life, I so would.
new years resolution: more sex, less car punching, more chipotle.
i no longer even have beer goggles. i'm pretty sure i blacked out and had beer lasik.
Ricky Martin is gay. You owe me $10 from 3rd grade.
Do not buy whiskey under any circumstances. There should be a UN sanctioned buffer zone between me and Seagrams.
Woke up in my underwear and Christmas sweater. Only. Eggnog has won the battle but not the war.
When God was sprinkling self control to everybody, he ran out and was like ehhhh she'll make it!
I was full on naked standing in his room and I just said "this isn't me" and left.
earned some solid air miles from the plan B I just bought. #silverlinings
I blew past the Governor's motorcade going twice the speed limit and DIDN'T get a ticket. God wants me to get laid.
you found yr lighter in yr cleavage and said so that's where you've been all my life
Does it look too obvious if I buy wine and candles!?! In my defense there is a gigantic snow storm coming.
He flipped a shopping cart in the back room and had to leave to make a jazz playlist. If we aren't in love then i don't know what love is.
Randomize
