If I had a sex resume I'd get tons of jobs.
So I just went home and made my own spanx by cutting the legs off of a pair of nylons. I'm either a genius or missed my calling to live in a trailer park.
My face smells like last night's lay. I need a whore bath. Or a corndog.
She threw up all over when she was giving me dome. Not even gonna lie, it felt really good.
I tried ok? my penis just doesnt like her as much as my mother does
i yelled out "tuesday" during orgasim. he fucked me into 2 days from now.
dude she looked like Newman from Seinfeld I'm done with this wingman shit
No more drinking with Em. She was on the ground so much she looked like she belongs in a lifealert commercial
he told me he was a Boston Bruins fan so I took his hat into the bathroom and peed in it...I've never been a prouder Ranger fan
Oh thank Jesus fuck for my shitty infertile womb. Crisis averted
For the record, just because I'm a mess doesn't mean I don't know what I'm talking about when I give you advice. I'm way better at other people's lives.
My phone keeps autocorrecting to the "st. Natty's Day Parade" and I'm completely okay with that
She's not answering my calls
Well it sounds like you really fucked up
WHO HOLDS A GRUDGE OVER MEMES
woke up. showered n got ready. had sex. and was still 15 minutes early to work... its gonna be a good day!
and then she sorta stared at me like "holy shit" and I looked down and my dog was licking her ass
Ruff night.
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