I look like Roseanne just got in a bar fight with Rosie O'Donnell.
how the fuck am i supposed to make breakfast with spaghettios and mustard
the recession has oofficially hit my standards.
i gained so much weight this year, i put on my string bikini underwear and couldnt see the string anymore! i hate my life.
hes 24 and dating a highschool junior and keeps saying how happy he is. happy about what? her ACT score??
They are pre-gaming a trip to congress...not sure how politically correct the group is.
Dude, dont worry about the lamb fetus in the fridge.
What?
Just dont open the beer drawer.
hey as creepy as this sounds i still have your eyelashes on my desk
remember to ask your mom about the name of her pet duck so we can name the bowl
I can't leave. She doesn't trust me and my penis being out in the world without supervision.
We tried. It's impossible to cum while bouncing on a trampoline. It's like trying to sneeze while keeping your eyes open.
She's wearing her dead grandmother's pearl on the married finger so no guys "bother her" tonight... I am not THAT committed to Girl's Night.
I just farted a soft, gentle fart and it made me think of the eye puff glaucoma test at the eye dr. I hope that's not fart air they use for those. And yes, I'm texting you from the toilet and yes again, I'm high.
Ski vacations are for hooking up with randoms. It's like I don't even know you
You stumbled into the hotel room escorted by security and then went into the bathroom sat by the toilet, threw up for hours while slamming your head on the wall and whimpering "why" over and over.. I went to bed
Randomize
